Eggspectations

This morning David and I shared a 2 1/2 hour long breakfast with some dear friends at Eggspectation. But that doesn’t really relate to what I’m thinking about. Except for the ‘expectation’ part. Which really doesn’t include eggs at all.

Regardless, there’s this thing about marriage proposals these days – that the good ones are big and creative and wildly romantic. And I don’t want to be nit-picky, but I can honestly say that, after David and I were engaged, my heart would struggle when friends pulled up Youtube videos of flamboyant and uber-romantic wedding proposals, because … most guys don’t do it like that. And I felt like those viral videos establish (sometimes subconscious) expectations for what your one-day proposal should be like.

And I hated it, because in my heart I still believed it. That the romantic ones were the best, and indicated more love. Even though I knew it was a lie, I still believed it. That’s why Ann Voskamp’s ponderings today were like refreshing truths for an indwardly-focused soul like me. She said, when talking to her sons about the way their father proposed to her:

Boring. I know. When you’ve watched a few dozen mastermind proposals on youtube … marveling at how real romance has an imagination like that.

Can I tell you something sons?

Romance isn’t measured by how viral your proposal goes. The internet age may try to sell you something different, but don’t ever forget that viral is closely associated with sickness – so don’t ever make being viral your goal. Your goal is always to make your Christ-focus contagious – to just one person. It’s more than just imagining some romantic proposal.

It’s a man who imagines washing puked-on sheets at 2:30am, plunging out a full and plugged toilet for the third time this week, and then scraping out the crud in the bottom screen of the dishwasher – every single night for the next 37 years without any cameras rolling or soundtrack playing – that’s imagining true romance.

When I feed my soul more on the world and less on the Word, I fall prey to the lies that Ann was addressing. I do look for the imaginative romantic, and overlook the day to day acts of love. Like just being willing to move into our apartment before the electricity was turned on, because I had been so looking forward to it. Or eating some donuts together on a Saturday morning. Or getting school done so that we can watch a movie on our laptop together.

So basically. From my heart to yours (I’m imagining you in my head right now), just be sensitive to processing what you’re taking in as you scroll through Facebook, Pinterest, Youtube, and Instagram. Whether it’s marriage proposals or anything else, don’t let expectations be built up subconsciously. If nothing else, at least be conscious of them as they build. Because then you can take them before God – quieting your heart before Him – and ask Him to point out through His Word where your heart is believing lies.

Or something like that.

The Things I Didn’t Know {about marriage}

Dear Sarah,

Well, if I were to write you a super-personal letter (which I happen to put on my blog instead of in an envelope) and talk about what marriage is like, it’d go something like this:

I thought I’d tell you some things that I never expected when I dreamingly thought of a wedding and being married.

First, I didn’t know I’d be crazy at-peace my whole wedding day long.
Next, I didn’t expect that I’d cry pretty much the whole ceremony long.
I mean seriously, I wept through my vows.
I also didn’t really think about the fact that kissing after 14 months of no-kissing-pact would seem a little weird.
I didn’t really know the reception would be such a whirlwind,
or that all the decorations would turn out so well and make my heart so happy!
I didn’t know that a feeling of panic would wash over me when I turned to say goodbye to my Mom — total backflash to 10-year-old Breana going to spend the night at her friend’s house and not knowing if she really wanted to leave her mom after all.

So pretty much, maybe it makes sense that, as David’s brother John drove us away from the reception, I felt a little overwhelmed all of a sudden. And on that note, I didn’t foresee David’s incredible kindness and tenderness that night.

I didn’t expect to get a little homesick on our honeymoon. That was random.
In other news, I’m pretty sure it was God’s way of making sure I kept going back to his Word every day (and didn’t just think David would satisfy all my needs).

Since being married (to an amazingly handsome and godly guy whom I love), I’ve realized that I have a tendency towards being easily-offended (thank you, Breaking Free Bible study). And when I’m tired, this tendency increases by 300%. But I’ve also learned that just praying, “God, I pray against easily-offesiveness today” turns my heart away from that (it’s rooted in focus-on-myself) and towards loving David selflessly.

I’ve also realized cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping and stuff — it’s like when I started working as a barista: at first, my legs were SO tired after my shift and I was about to collapse. But after a while, I got my “barista-legs” (that’s play on words for ‘sea-legs’) and it was like no big deal. So yeah, that’s kind of what I’ve been going through with all the adjusting-to-being-a-wife stuff. A lot of things are new right now, and I can get easily worn out. And then be frustrated with myself. But it’s okay. Because I’m still getting my sea-legs.

Also, since I see David all the time (okay, well he’s at work during the day, but you know), it’s easy to forget about “good habits” I used to have. Like writing him little notes or making a creative surprise for him. Or like praying together at night. I have to really purpose to do these things now.

Also, (and I’ll end this letter soon, I promise) I’ve realized that this beginning stage of our marriage is so important. Since I’m a college graduate now, I have a vast and enormous store of knowledge in my huge head, and I have learned that the beginning of something is when you establish ‘norms’ [e.g., patterns or a standard]. Like, for myself at least, if I started out a new college class not talking very much, as the semester went on it’d be harder and harder to make myself to pipe up. But if I forced myself to be really chatty during the first couple classes, it’d be a lot easier to voice my thoughts later on in the class.

In the same way, I’m currently establishing a pattern for myself as far as my habits and behavior within my covenant relationship with David. Habits and behaviors that will be hard to undo later. I’ll tell you one example of this, and then I’ll be done.

Last night, I asked Dave if he wanted to watch an episode of Arrested Development. He was actually thinking, however, that it’d be cool if we pulled up our online banking and commited our finances to God. Only he wasn’t completely sure how to phrase this idea that he had, and because he couldn’t figure out how to phrase it, I could tell he felt like it might just be a stupid idea. So when he asked, “I dunno .. does that make any sense? We don’t have to…” it would have been easy for me to be unenthusiastic (because I felt like watching a show). But I knew that if I did that, David would be less likely to share such ideas in the future. And I would be more likely to push my own way in similar circumstances. Because right now we’re developing patterns — wearing in grooves — and in the future, it’ll be easy to just ride on those grooves without even thinking about it.

Does that make sense? Well, if it doesn’t, you can write me a real letter (in response to this fake letter) and we can keep talking. Because I appreciate you.

Hugs,
Breana

Communication Station (between the fiance & fiancee)

Like I said yesterday, I’ve been learning about the verse, “But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed?” (Rom. 6:21) Not just learning about it, but seeing how it plays out in my life. The past week, since I got home, has been amazing — a different type of joy and peace. It wasn’t obtained by how I normally think I can get it. Normally, when I go home, my mindset is that since David and I are in the same vicinity, then every available moment to spend together should be spent together, daggum! Here’s a secret: uuuumm, yeah, not. Clinging to something so tightly never breeds as much joy as I like to think it will.

So I pretended David was in California. Not really, but okay yeah, a couple times. It helped me be okay with not spending time together, even though we’re in the same county. Last week, since he was finishing up a really big paper for seminary, he needed to spend many of his evenings studying. Normally I would have asked to go to his house and occupy my time doing something (like finishing up Save-the-Dates!) while he did school. But this whole mindset-change encouraged me to just let him do his thing on his own, and allowed me to just enjoy ordinarely-awesome time at home with my family. Maybe it doesn’t seem too big of a deal to you, but the mindset change has had huge implications on my attitude when Dave & I can’t spend time together. The fruit from it tasted so much better (Rom. 6:22). It was gained, not by clinging to that which I think I want, but by letting go — releasing the grip, opening the hand, and receiving the better.

So that’s one thing.

And then there’s another thing.

It’s this whole “communication” thing.

And like, when should I communicate my feelings, and when should I not? Because that is tricky business, I tell you.

How do I know if the situation is:

#1. My feelings have been legitimately hurt and I should tell him that so we can talk it through? Or

#2. I was hurt, yes, but it because I was being self-focused and touchy / talking about it with him would really just be me trying to further indulge in my self-focusedness?

Please say you understand what I’m saying here.

But don’t worrrrry, World! I got it all. figured. out.

Okay not really, but I did learn something new and hugely aaaweesome during a conversation with God:

Dear God,

I loved this past week; even though there were times when I really turned my focus to myself, Dave & I would work it out and it’s fine now … but those times really validated the “but what fruit were you getting” thing.

But! Communication is essential, even when it’s a “just letting you know this is just where I’m at” type of thing. Right? But it seriously feels like I’m indulging in fleshly reactions/feelings to speak those feelings out and communicate them. Is it when I act upon those thoughts that it becomes more of an issue? And honestly, I act upon them–oftentimes–whether I voice them or not. By becoming bitter or resentful. But through communicating them, with a humble attitude, though the ugly is out in the open for a little while, it gets dealt with. Right?

Whoa –> 1 Jn. 1, verse seven:

“IF WE WALK IN THE LIGHT {putting my thoughts & feelings out there, sometimes ugly, but exposing them} AS HE IS IN THE LIGHT, WE HAVE FELLOWSHIP (‘koinonia,’  fellowship, intimacy) WITH EACH OTHER & THE BLOOD OF JESUS HIS SON CLEANSES US FROM ALL SIN [approach the convo humbly, asking God to search your own heart for sin & ultimately Christ will be glorified, because his blood will be what made everything right].”

Communicate, not because you want to prove yourself as right or make the other person feel bad, but for good koinonia; approach by asking God to search your heart and expose sin in you; doing the whole thing with an attitude of gentleness, grace, & humility will ultimately glorify Christ, because it’s God’s Son whose sacrifice can cleanse both people.

And that was my conversation with God. Whether I don’t know if my hurt feelings were legit or not, I can still get what I’m thinking out there because it will ultimately lead to better koinonia IF I do it with an attitude of humility and understand this isn’t necessarily a “either you’re right or I’m right” sort of thing.

The end.

PS: Wisdom and knowledge is appreciated. Aka, if you’ve got wisdom or knowledge on the subject, I want to hear about it!