The nice thing about house-sitting for the summer is that when your Beth Moore study concludes a section on Humbling Ourselves Before God, and Beth tells you to “find a private place to get on your knees before God,” I can get on my knees exactly where I’m at. Because the only other person at home isn’t a person at all but actually a dog. And he’s old, anyways, and like 80% blind.
Have you ever thought about how it’s hard to figure out what water feels like when you’re completely immersed in it? Because you’re so used to the water that it doesn’t really register as feeling like anything at all. But when you get out of the water, and then stick your toe in later, you’ll be able to tell that it feels like something different. Does that make sense?
I’ve been away from college for a month and 17 days, since I graduated on May 4th. Being out of the water for a little while has enabled me to look back on my time at Regent and see some overarching themes.
And it’s humbling. Because, you know me, I love to do ministry stuff, and speak and lead and teach and organize events. But when I was at Regent, I felt like I just couldn’t ever get as much momentum going as I can up here in NoVA. And I finally realized that I think that, to a certain degree, God wanted my time at RU to just be a season of quietly listening and watching. Learning from others. Not necessarily being the one others learn from.
This was a novel idea on multiple levels. One of the most crucial things for me to realize, though, was that this meant–if it was true–that God didn’t necessarily need me to so diligently strive to be a part of ministry during that time of my life.
And the thing about that was it allowed me to identify a big part of my motive to be a part of ministry at RU in the first place. To make myself known. Because when you’re among a big sea of people that don’t know you, you can feel sort of … unknown. And not important at all.
And I know I looked to God at various times for assurance of my value and worth. And I know that God did use me (because he always wants to) to make himself known. But a lot of the time I subtly strove to gain security and self-assurance from others (and all the while trying to look like I didn’t need it from others).
“But if you will not listen, my soul will weep in secret for your pride;
my eyes will weep bitterly and run down with tears,
because the Lord’s flock has been taken captive.” (jer 13.17)
This desiring to make myself known among the many, to reveal myself and all my obvious coolness, was pride. And just like the Israelites, my pride took me captive. Fear and insecurities cropped up. Ultimately, it cost me an abundance of opportunities to simply and genuinely love on all of my peers.
I hate insecurity. It has the whole “I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” effect on me (Rom. 7:15). But when I’m in the water, nothing seems this clear cut, and it’s difficult to see where my heart is genuine and where my heart is deceitful. It’s easier to see these things when I’m looking back. And that’s okay, because it teaches me how to better live for God right now. And now that it’s right now, right now is more important than back then.
“Live simply. With great grace, no expectations, and lavish love.” (ann voskamp)
Scattered in all Directions 