Parenting

I was totally blind sided.

It’s not that I couldn’t handle the pain of labor.

And it’s not that I couldn’t handle some sleepless nights.

It was the sleepless nights on top of recovering from labor. And the emotional intensity of this baby being solely dependent on me for nourishment. And that the only way to make her stop crying was to feed her.

And feeding her hurt. The mental picture it conjured up was a combination of sandpaper and splinters.

So on top of all of that, that I couldn’t just get the chance to catch up on sleep. Mornings were bright and sunny and full of hope. As the sun set around 4:30pm, however, so did my positive outlook on life. Nights scared me. I’m prone to anxiety and it came on full force. I woke up from a nap after it had gotten dark already and it freaked me out. Cried on David’s shoulder. Asked God to just make it all better.

To heal me physically. To take away the anxiety. To make breastfeeding just work.

We prayed a lot those first three weeks.

Sometimes God answers prayers through very practical means. If I hadn’t prayed in the first place, I wouldn’t recognize the answer as an answer, because the provision seemed so every-day normal. You know?

I have nine sister-in-laws and the four that are married represent nineteen children. Two weeks after Lavender was born, that whole side of the family gathered for Thanksgiving — and I took all the motherhood advice I could get.

And one of the most vital things I heard about was this video called The Well Fed, Well Rested Baby.

So you know how you can be scared to share the gospel because it might offend some people? They might not agree with you? Or they might get mad? But it’s good news that brings life and hope, so you push past the uncomfortable and step on their toes and share it anyway?

That’s what I’m about to do. Only it’s not the good news of the gospel, it’s the good news of a schedule, and it’s okay if you don’t agree … because, unlike there being only One way to have a reconciled relationship with God, there is more than one way to care for a newborn baby. And this is just the way that’s worked for us.

But I really believe it is the very practical answer God gave us to all those prayers we prayed.

It’s the Dr. Denmark schedule, aka, the most extreme, all-the-La-Leche-ladies-will-want-your-head, don’t tell your mother what you’re doing (just kidding, Mom) schedule out there … and it brought us hope and rest.

We started it when Lavender was three weeks old. By week four, she was consistently sleeping through the night (10:45pm – 6am). Then she sleeps from 6:45am – 10am, and then 10:45am – 2pm. (This is the 0-3mo schedule.) Every day is different, but this is the norm.

And I’ve been able to recover from labor.

Because you know how freaking hard labor is? My husband put it like this: Men go to war and women have babies. It’s nothing to sneeze and it takes time to recover from and I was not able to fully care for our baby until I had recovered from it. You’re not being selfish. It’s not bad to put your needs before you’re baby’s needs sometimes. You know how on an airplane, the instructional safety people always instruct to put your little yellow air ventilator thing on first, before helping the person besides you? And I was always like, well that seems inconsiderate and self-centered, but it’s not, because if you try to help the kid next to you first but pass out before you can finish strapping the thing on, then who are you really helping anyway?

This is like that. Only there’s no airplane involved.

It’s okay to let your baby cry some in order to teach her to sleep during the night.

And let me tell you, we let her cry a lot that first week on the schedule. But she’s healthy and she’s happy and I’m happy and she’s gaining weight, I promise. We used to give her gas drops after every feeding, but now we don’t have to — partially because she’s older and her digestion system has matured some and partially because I don’t put new milk on top of un-digested milk anymore.

I’ve learned that you can literally find an opinion from every different direction when it comes to caring for a newborn baby. You kind of just have to do your research and then go with your gut.

Because you’re the mom here, bub, and you really do know what’s best for you wee little one.

Adopting this schedule (plus finally figuring out that L had a moderate tongue tie) has enabled me to keep breastfeeding Lavender and has restored peace to our lives. I can enjoy these quickly-fleeting days of caring for L as an infant. And I wouldn’t have said anything, except I’m thinking there might just be one other person out there who’s been praying those very same prayers I was praying. And they might appreciate learning what I learned. And so for that, I’ll go ahead a step on a couple toes.

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Dr. Leila Denmark (1989-2012) was a pediatrician for sixty-four years, until the age of 103. She is credited for being the co-developer of the pertussis (whooping cough) vaccine in the 1920’s-30’s and was one of the first pediatricians to object to smoking around children.

“When I was a child, there was no such thing as a baby doctor on earth,” Dr. Denmark said in an interview. “We had very little medicine, very little surgery, no immunisations and no baby food. Yet the children weren’t sick like they are today because their mothers fed them right.” Although Dr. Denmark, due to failing eye sight, stopped her practice at the age of 103, she continued giving mothers over-the-phone medical advice for an additional seven years. Leila Denmark believed that motherhood is one of the most important jobs on earth.

Maybe parenting is like watching the effects of a sunrise.

Not watching the actual sunrise. Because the three wide windows in our apartment all face north, so I can’t watch the actual sunrise in the morning. But I can see the effects; the sky’s frigid deep blue slowly lightening into a clear ice blue – and it’s so seamless, this transition, that the striking difference in color and light doesn’t really hit you until you look away for a while. And then look back.

Lavender was born two months ago yesterday. I would have never realized how much she’s changed if I hadn’t been scrolling through pictures and videos the other day. Looking at those precious pictures from the hospital – the first days home – and then looking back at this little two-month-old face. How much she’s changed! Geeze louis! And the little things she can do now: she could win a staring contest with her eye contact skills. She can hold her head up like a boss. She’s starting to bring her fist to her mouth on demand — instead of just being able to suck on it for a few seconds as her arm goes flailing by her face. Her legs are so chubby. So chubby! It’s precious.

I think there’s been a seamless transition in my heart, too, these past two months. I was totally blindsided by the pain and anxiety I faced our first three weeks home. Honestly, the idea of ever having another child was unbearable and I looked at Lavender’s little face with a love-dislike, because she meant feeding and feeding meant pain. Being a mom can be rough.

But the sky’s a little lighter now. There is so much joy. I could kiss her cheeks constantly. I don’t mind changing diapers, like almost at all. Feeding her isn’t so bad anymore. God’s brought us so far in just eight weeks — and if I don’t stop to reflect, I can miss a heart full of gratitude over the healing he’s brought and the rhythm he’s established.

So here’s to a new year with a little babushka who helps me notice the subtle changes in life. Because I have a feeling that all those people who say the time goes by quickly are probably right.

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As an aside, God definitely answers my prayers so many times in very practical ways. Life with our baby became way more enjoyable once we put her on a schedule. I’ve learned that there are a million different ways to care for an infant and learning to listen to your baby is more important than any one method. But just saying. She sleeps through the night. She’s healthy. I’m healthy. My husband and I are a little more sane. So if you’re at your wits end with a newborn, I’d say it’s definitely worth it!